Overcoming Perfectionism as a New Mom
After finding out my husband and I were expecting, I started doing all the research I could about pregnancy, childbirth and babies. I read all the books, watched videos, and even took child birthing classes. I had the nursery, diaper stations and breastfeeding stations all set up and ready to go before baby’s arrival. Everything was perfect, or so I thought.
As a perfectionist, I really struggled with adjusting to motherhood. Every item on the to-do list not checked off, every mistake I made and every time something didn’t work out only magnified the belief that I wasn’t good enough as a mom.
The expectations I had for myself were unattainable, which ultimately set me up for failure. As a new mom, feeling that sense of failure only made things worse for me as rumination and overthinking took over. I began to question every decision I made, magnified my mistakes, and pressured myself to be the perfect mother and do it all.
The pressure to do it all as a new mom is real - from feeding baby, changing baby, putting baby to sleep, cuddling with baby, making sure you’re eating healthy and drinking enough water, producing enough milk for baby, getting enough sleep and rest, managing your mental health, taking care of the household, remembering the doctor appointments, all while making it look effortless. The pressure I put on myself to be perfect eventually led to burnout and I began to realize that the expectation of perfection while navigating the transition into motherhood was impossible. Motherhood is anything but perfect. Motherhood is messy, chaotic, gross (just accept the fact that you will get pooped, peed or spit up on), and unpredictable.
Eventually I began to think why I kept expecting perfection from myself. What am I trying to prove? Who am I trying to impress? Does anyone really care if my bed isn’t made for a day? Is being perfect really helping me in this season of life?
I realized that the very thing I was striving for was holding me back from being happier as a mom. After realizing that we can’t be everything to everybody, it began shifting my own belief of what a good mom is. I eventually discovered that I can still mistakes, I can have rough days, and even if I’m not perfect, I can still be a good mom.
Here are some of my own realizations that helped me let go of perfectionism, break free from the constant criticism, negativity and rumination while focusing on being good enough.
Lowering my expectations for myself — stop trying to be the mom that does it all.
As an overachiever, I expected a lot from myself while taking on motherhood. I definitely felt the pressure from myself to be the perfect mom. I wanted to make sure I was eating healthy, recovering from birth, keeping up with my milk supply, maintaining the household, getting everything on the to-do list checked off, and not forgetting to have those picture-perfect moments with my newborn.
Holding up these high expectations for myself day after day was very overwhelming. I constantly felt like I was failing as a mom for not being able to do it all.
After facing the hard truth, I realized that it was impossible to expect perfection in this season of life. Expecting perfection was only setting me up for disappointment.
Learning to not measure my worth as a mother by the amount of things I got checked off the to-do list was hard, but helped me not stress over the little things.
As mothers, we have a limited amount of time and can only get so much done in one day. Instead of putting more stress and pressure on ourselves, we should be creating more moments of understanding. It’s not about having it all together, because does anyone? It’s about showing kindness towards ourselves on the days when we need it the most.
Accepting help from others.
Although it may seem like accepting help is like admitting defeat and that we’re not perfect, it’s necessary to be able to rely on others. When we constantly try to do everything on our own, it only leads to overwhelm, frustration and burnout.
We simply can’t do everything because there aren’t enough hours in a day. We have to learn to prioritize what’s important to us and delegate other tasks that can be done by someone else. Delegating tasks helps lighten the never ending to-do list and free up time for the important things. The saying that “it takes a village to raise a child” is so true because we aren’t meant to do it alone.
Being honest with yourself and acknowledging that you need help is a step in the right direction. Being a mom is rough and it’s okay to need help, ask for support and ask for what you need. Sometimes, we need to be able to advocate for ourselves too.
Changing my perspective — it’s okay to make mistakes as a new mom.
It’s always easier to focus on the negative rather than the positive. Why did I do that? That was dumb. How can I be so stupid? Will I ever be a good mom?
Once one negative thought filled my head, it started the spiral of thoughts that made me question myself. I began drawing attention to all the things that I didn’t do or the things that I should’ve done. Sometimes it’s easy to get lost in feeling that you’re not a good enough mom.
It takes self-awareness to catch ourselves in this state of mind and challenge those thoughts. When we notice ourselves engulfed in negative thoughts, it helps to challenge and question our own thinking. Changing our mindset and focusing on the positives can help put these thoughts to rest.
As moms, it’s easy to focus on what we didn’t do or all the things that we’re doing wrong with our babies, but by changing our mindset, we can treat failures as lessons learned. Parenting has a steep learning curve, and moms are bound to make mistakes. So why not allow them?
When we treat failures as opportunities to learn from our mistakes, we help ourselves grow and become better parents. We learn how to improve for the next time around.
Focusing on progress over perfection because adjusting to motherhood takes time.
When we don’t get things right for the first time, it’s easy to get discouraged. A lot of times, we may feel disappointed in ourselves and our own capabilities.
As a new mom, I was focused on making sure I was getting motherhood “right”. I used to think that everything had to be by the book or things had to be done a certain way. However, there is no one-size fits all, especially when it comes to parenting.
Sometimes we can be so laser focused on what we’re doing wrong or the fact that we didn’t do it perfectly, that we don’t see the improvement made. Make sure to celebrate the little wins throughout the day. Although it doesn’t seem like much, a little adds up to a lot.
There will be setbacks, but don’t let that make you lose hope. Remember to give yourself credit for the progress you’ve made, even if it feels like it’s not much. One day you’ll look back and realize how far you’ve come.
Be able to let things go and be flexible because motherhood is unpredictable.
As an organized person who likes to plan every aspect of my day, motherhood really shook my world. No more getting things done in chronological order or at a certain time. The day was run by my baby’s willingness to cooperate with what was going on that day. No longer was I able to plan every detail, but had to be able to pivot and adapt to change quickly.
We often have this image of what we think motherhood will look like for us, then realize not everything happens as perfectly as planned. Yes, it’s difficult letting go of those hopes and dreams we had and it’s okay to grieve those.
Once we accept that we can’t control or plan for everything and may have to pivot, we’re able to enjoy the little moments motherhood provides a little more.
Practice self-compassion because being a mom is hard enough.
Learning to be kinder to myself and practice self-compassion felt almost foreign to me. I’ve always been hard on myself because I expected so much. However, having such high expectations for myself as a new mom nearly broke me. I was exhausted, overwhelmed, and burnt out from trying to just keep up with being a mom.
Being a mom is already hard, so let’s give ourselves more grace. Some ways to practice self-compassion right now is to:
Try to be more understanding with yourself - acknowledge that your body has undergone a massive transformation to bring your baby into this world
Recognize the work that you’ve done - even if you only did 1% better, that’s still progress
Validate your own feelings - it’s okay to feel what you feel in the moment, acknowledge it and give yourself the time to process it
Show yourself some understanding for the emotional rollercoaster you experience on a daily basis because your hormones are still regulating themselves. Celebrate the resilience you show each day by pushing through the tough times for the sake of your little one.
We can all be reminded to embrace our own imperfections, it’s what makes us human, it’s what makes us relatable, and it’s what makes us unique. Learning to accept your imperfections and break out of perfectionism takes time and patience, and even I still continue to work on it. Remember that despite your imperfections, you are still worthy of self-love.
As a new mom, it’s difficult adjusting to the new demands of motherhood. Expecting too much from ourselves will only lead to disappointment and discouragement. Perfection prevents us from truly enjoying the little moments with our babies that we should be holding dear to our hearts.
Once we stop chasing the picture-perfect moments and learn to enjoy the simplicity of what’s in front of us. Let’s stop standing in the way of ourselves from fully appreciating what motherhood has to offer. Let’s fully embrace our own imperfections, it’s what makes the motherhood journey uniquely personal.
A little self-reflection:
What are some things that aren’t serving you in this new season of life that you can let go of?
What are some ways you can be kinder to yourself?
How can you be more mindful and self-aware of your own thoughts before the onset of negative thoughts?
Please let me know your thoughts in the comments and/or sign up for email updates to get the latest on the blog. Thank you for reading!