When Motherhood Isn’t What I Thought - What I Wish I Knew
I always knew that I wanted to be a mother and knew it would be in the cards for me. I don’t know if it was the exhaustion or lack of sleep or both, but the day I became a mom felt like a dream. I remember it like it was yesterday, my son placed on my chest crying while I tried to soothe him and still in disbelief that I was a mom.
Since this was the moment I’ve been waiting for forever, I thought that I should be happy and enjoying every moment of being a new mom. However, deep in the trenches, I soon realized that it isn’t always sunshine and rainbows.
As a new mom, I was unsure how to navigate motherhood and all the changes that came with it. I didn’t know how lonely and isolating being a new parent could be. I didn’t realize how overwhelmed and anxious I would feel over the smallest things. Motherhood wasn’t what I thought it would be and I didn’t know how to handle that. A part of me felt guilty for not being happy and cherishing every moment. I was left wondering, is there something wrong with me?? In this blog, I’ll discuss the real, raw moments of motherhood that I wish I knew about.
What I Wish I Knew About Motherhood
You can never truly be prepared for motherhood.
While I was pregnant, I took it upon me to learn everything I could about pregnancy and babies. I was so eager to learn whatever I could and be as prepared as possible. I had everything planned from the birth to my postpartum workout routine (which I didn’t even start by the way) and I was ready to take on motherhood. Little did I know, I was about to be proven wrong, so very wrong.
Although I prepared as much as I could, nothing can truly prepare you for motherhood. There really isn’t a manual that you can study and be fully prepared for every scenario. Parenting is one of those things where you learn on the job. Babies are all different and each family has different needs. Some things may work, while others may not. Being open to trial and error and being open to change was the best thing I did for myself during this time of constant pivoting.
You’re surrounded by so much love, but can be lonely at the same time.
With parenting, you’re really just thrown into the deep end. One day, your life completely changes in an instant. After bringing home baby, the road to recovery can be rough and sometimes a lonely one.
It’s such an out of body experience and almost as if we’re watching ourselves from a distance. The feeling of wanting to be understood, but not really understanding what’s going on within yourself. Sometimes it feels like you’re the only one going through this. That you’re the only one not enjoying every moment, the only one struggling, the only one missing the old version of yourself, the only one whose relationship changed, and the only one crying uncontrollably at things that wasn’t a big deal before.
I’ve realized a lot of these feelings and thoughts were experienced by others going through the same thing. Understanding that I wasn’t the only one deep in the trenches of parenthood (and I’m not the only one going crazy) made me feel a little less lonely in this season of life.
If there’s a time in your life when you need help, it’s now.
During postpartum, I found it difficult to reach out for help, even though I knew I needed it. This only created more stress, overwhelm, and further ingrained the self-doubt I had about being a mother.
However, if there is any time when you need to lean on others, it’s now. Although I felt an immense guilt for not being with my baby 24/7 and not being able to do everything for him, I realized that it wasn’t sustainable to rely only on myself.
Learning to trust others has been difficult, but essential to relieving the stress I felt as a new mom. Allowing myself to rely on others has helped me recharge during the times when I needed it the most and show up as my best self in motherhood.
Not every moment will be joyful.
We often see pictures of a happy family welcoming their newborn baby. We don’t usually see the behind the scenes of the mundane tasks, hard days and emotionally draining days.
When we’re not enjoying every moment with our baby, it can cause a lot of guilt because we “should be” happy during this time. We’re wondering if we are doing something wrong or just being ungrateful, but our lives have completely changed. Our bodies have changed, our hormones are regulating, and there’s a new life to take care of. It’s difficult adjusting to such a drastic change and not every part of it will be filled with joy. The hard days help us grow and make the good days that much more special.
The healing journey and becoming whole again.
Motherhood has a way of making us face the good, the bad and the ugly parts of ourselves. It requires us to be vulnerable and honest with ourselves. It may bring up old wounds and require healing parts of yourself you were unaware needed healing.
As a first-time mom, I became obsessed with making sure I was doing everything by the book, which only caused me more anxiety. I felt bad when things went wrong, or when I couldn’t do things right. I had this deep sense of shame that I was unfit to be a mother. These thoughts weighed heavily on me for a while and I put on a brave face that I was okay, but deep down I knew I was not.
Unresolved feelings, suppressed emotions and deep rooted insecurities only have a way of resurfacing in motherhood. Facing the parts of you that were buried so deep and doing the inner work to heal is uncomfortable and scary, but essential to being the best version of yourself.
Sometimes your little one gives you just the push you need to heal old wounds, break cycles and make amends with others and yourself.
Resilience and channeling your inner strength.
Nothing tests your own strength like motherhood does. It takes effort when you feel like you have nothing left to give, it takes patience when it’s already wearing thin. When you’re stuck deep in the trenches of postpartum, it can feel confusing, lonely and filled with uncertainty.
Being able to find grit and your inner strength will help keep you going on the days when you’re barely holding it together. Motherhood has a way of helping us channel our inner strength because as mothers, we have to be resilient, there’s someone who depends on us.
The contradiction of motherhood.
The transition into motherhood is a big shift and we’re left trying to make peace with our old lives and trying to adjust to a new life.
I experienced motherhood as one big contradiction. I love my baby unconditionally and want to spend every moment with him, but at the same time need a break, then feel guilty about needing a break. I’m counting down the minutes until he finally falls asleep, but once he does, I want to hold him for a minute longer.
Every moment is bittersweet, you’re kept wondering, will this be my last? Motherhood is learning to understand that two feelings can coexist together.
Your baby will teach you more than you could imagine.
I wasn’t aware of the life lessons that would be taught during my motherhood journey. I’ve learned more about myself, others and the world around me than I thought was possible. I learned to be more understanding, gentler, and kinder to myself during the moment when I needed it the most. I learned that sometimes, it’s not about the grand gestures, but the simplicity that makes life beautiful.
Motherhood has made me realize that I needed him just as much as he needed me. My son has taught me so much, and for that I will be forever grateful.
If it feels hard, it’s because motherhood is hard. On days when you don’t have anything left to give, you have to keep going. On days when you feel like breaking down, you have to hold it together. There are days that are harder than others, but they’ll soon pass. The snuggles, smiles and the way your baby looks at you with all the love in the world makes the hard days worth it. Although you may feel lost and alone, you are right where you belong. Have trust in the journey.
Some thinking points to reflect on:
What are the parts of motherhood that you struggled with the most?
What is something you learned so far on your journey as a new mom?
What is something that makes being a mom worth it and helps keep you going?
Please let me know your thoughts in the comments and join the email list to get the latest on the blog. Thank you for reading!